A Blog Post from Ryan Adams

An ONLINE MUSIC publication described my blog as “bi-polar”. Isn’t that sweet.
I love that. I think it was especially due to my use of “Fickle-Blogging” which is really the lovely process of creating a blog, giving it an actual life-span (I actually time them sometimes, by the minute), then destroying that blog. So that it is actually like a memory or like weather. I enjoy the idea of the blog being an actual entity outside it’s creator. Like a Robot. Like I was just a suggestion and the blog itself were the vessel. Very abstract, sure, hardly “bi-ploar.”
Of note, when I am being honest in my blogs (which only I know because I choose to fill them with truths distracted by absurdity) I touch on real subjects that affect me which I have never hidden in my work. Depression being one of those things. Panic disorder being another.
I think maybe I came from a time, and maybe even a place, where examining and even allowing one’s self to feel everything, was normal. What a lesson it is for me now that I am older to become less afraid to let myself have those feelings. All of them. I am quite sure passionate people do this. They feel elated, and other times they feel sad. I know, in a single day, those things happen to others. Certainly my books can’t all be just fictional characters based on actual people who did not feel. To feel things, is human. To let yourself go into those feelings and translate what happened, and what it meant, well, that takes discipline.
And you know, I don’t have an “off” switch. I never did. I had to pay for alcohol and fog up at least one night of a week in my past so I could feel like I was starting all over. But now, it is one long life. No breaks. And that comes with a lot of new feelings which build and become beautiful, and even, sometimes very sad or strange statues of time and emotion. I am blown away by just how much information I collect over time. It is great. And powerful and I love life, even the bleakest and darkest nights. They all break, eventually, with the light of a new day, or sometimes, hidden behind those awful moments the loveliest treasures emerge. Like a gift.
I enjoy writing about it all. It feels very true.
It is a shame that so many people try so hard to be something they are not, to seem even, at the expense of not getting to know what it is to be free in your feelings. And I am lucky to be able to express myself in so many ways. I taught myself all the forms of art I know, so I go to them honestly and my relationship with my medium is always solid and not filled with hesitation. This makes me so happy and has all my life allowed me to be my own best friend when I needed it the most. When the world was just too disappointing. And especially when I was the one behind that disappointment.
So I guess what I am saying here right now is, it feels good to be true to what I am. It feels right to be a lot and sometimes a mess and sometimes a good listener and sometimes bat-shit crazy.
It is the nature of being me.
And also, after all this time, no matter what the perception, I always know I am the very basic thing I always wanted to be;
PUNK AS FUCK.
have a nice week.

[posted 3.24.08 on DRADAMSFILMS.com]